everything is never quite enough (mikeijames) wrote,
everything is never quite enough

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don't ask, don't tell. [updated]

"i can't hate you, though i have tried," sade once crooned on her beautifully haunting ballad "love is stronger than pride," but the words like so many others existed only in a hypothetical space about love and loss, but here i am in that cummulonimbus between the onset of a potentially real relationship and all of the hope and longing that comes with the anticipation. to say that things have not gone as i'd have liked them to would understate the case one million fold. i vacillate between betty page wash-that-man-right-out-of-my-hair resolve to scribbling-our-names-in-a-heart infatuation. at one moment, i'm a jaded divorcee drinking red wine alone in a sports' bar, and the next moment, i'm a teenage girl on a sugar high talking about how dreamy her crush is. it's that bad. to put it in all adult terms, physically, i'm so attracted to the longhorn that i've sexually fantasized about the longhorn. to orgasm. personality wise, i have sent myself both to mountain high and valley low over our conversation. like, i want to jump through the phone and just cuddle. like, i want to wash the longhorn's dishes. and this becomes increasingly problematical because our so-called romance has come about in scheduling fits and starts so epic that i've lost far more promising relationships over so far less. we found ourselves set to have our second second date -- a term my old work friend gave me because the first date is really a first meeting because neither party actually knows whether there's a "there" there -- so the second date is really the first date and the third date the second so the pressure isn't really on until the fourth date which at this rate will not realisitically happen until the third week in january. no joke. after all, i'm going out of the country this weekend and will not return for two weeks. i understand the nature of "shiftwork" and the unpredictability of the retail schedule, so i resolved not to let it become an issue. however, the first time we rescheduled, it came from the longhorn having to fill in for a store manager who fell ill. been there, done that. in fact, that week remains the only week i ever called off from pier 1. so i get it. the second time, however, felt like the sick and/or dead grandmother incident i had with another plentyoffish.com potential suitor: two hours before we were set to meet, the longhorn sent a message stating that a friend's mother died and that the longhorn would go to ocala to console this friend. at this point, i did not know the sex of the friend, but i later learned it's a guy named mike. and now, there's a competition. because i don't know the nature of the relationship between the longhorn and this mike except to say that they've only known each other three months and they talk on the phone which is remarkable given how pulling-of-teeth difficult it is to schedule a conversation between us two. so where we are, and i don't know where we stand but to say that we've texted so much and talked so much that i actually think this re-schedule has pulled us closer. but at the same time, i've resigned to not invest myself anymore in this. whatever will be, will be.

Here is your Daily Single's Horoscope for Saturday, December 18

When that ex invites you out, you're tempted to say yes -- but don't let old feelings trap you in a toxic relationship. You know there's a good reason you're apart, so don't lose sight of it.

and, of course, because this is the way i deal with things, i had this emotional holiday night with the exsomeone about a week and a half ago. we watched the "sex and the city" episodes "are we sluts?" and "drama queens" because they so encapsulated the feelings i have had about my courtship with the longhorn. and, like my sister, i have had diarrhea of the mouth concerning this situation so i've talked to my sister and to rob and to jen and so it spilt out even to the exsomeone. i mean, we talk about everything else. and i couldn't help it, i mean, i was teary during the "drama queens" episode. but, then, that subsided. i ate my two bags of soft batch cookies. we had perfunctory fits-and-starts sex. and we haven't really talked that much since. and that happened after the FIRST re-schedule. after the second reschedule, i really went back to old habits by calling the stock broker. we caught up and i remember every single thing that made me so bonkers in the first place. and, of course, the stock broker has settled down -- the exsomeone is also dating someone somewhat seriously -- and the stockbroker told me that all relationship have drama. that i should know this by now. and as long as it's not something major, to basically, just take the good for the good and the bad for the bad. and largely, that's what i'll have to do. i really feel like this has potential. that's what makes it so tough. i just don't know if we've hit our moment.

Here is your Daily Single's Horoscope for Sunday, December 19

Embrace your existence as it is -- you're in a good place, even if you don't quite appreciate it yet. Your goal should be acceptance, so don't get hung up in what you haven't done yet.

in the interim, i've had quite a streak of good life living. almost two weeks ago, my boss called me into the office to announce an unexpected pay increase. i have three weeks off of work. two weeks ago, i went to cassis and had a racuous night out where i met this crazy katy perry bartender girl and basically had a romp through st. petersburg that started at the only bar in town and ended in a dive bar called "the emerald" with an open bar tab. after that, i went to a christmas party at one of my old pier one coworker's home. it was soaked in red wine for me. and i've been on a red wine streak lately. malbec has become my painkiller of choice. on sunday afternoon, i went to park shore grill for a late lunch of syrah and the best roasted portabella mushroom i've had in years. then i went to the old northeast tavern for a crab-stuffed portabella for dinner. on friday, i went to a late night showing of "black swan" which was AMAZING. on saturday, i went to ceviche with my sister and her boyfriend and then basically drunk myself asleep with a bottle of malbec in thirty minutes (and apparently had designs on going out seeing as i woke up in cheap mondays and a black tee)....that's how i processed the fact that the longhorn re-scheduled on me but somehow found the time to log into pof.com that day. yesterday, i spent the day overdosing on j.crew which will necessitate the purchase of naked and famous skinny guy jeans. also, because of my future boston trip, i need the true religion zach jeans in ultra skinny fit, body wash to wear with j.crew gingham. what else? oh yeah, i may or may not post for quite a while given i don't know how the internet will work in peru, but here's hoping my date tomorrow night doesn't get re-scheduled.

Daily Single's Horoscope for Monday, December 20

As soon as you think you've got it all figured out, the rules change. That's okay, though, because you're flexible and ready for anything. Be sure to keep all your options open -- this could be really fabulous!

oh yeah, if things don"t work out with the longhorn -- who, in fact, served several years in the united states" navy -- it"s good to know that my pool of eligibles just got that much larger. plus, chanel goes gold, and 90210 shows just how much things have changed since the mid-nineties.Collapse )

make out with SOMEBODY tonight
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
( Jeff Sheng / Kaycee Olsen Gallery )
Tristan and Zeke are gay members of the Marines who have come out only to a small number of their fellow service members because of the U.S. military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Photographer Jeff Sheng has spent almost two years crossing the country to shoot portraits of gay and lesbian military members.
Tags: exsomeone, just me, movies, obsessions, sister, the longhorn, the stars, the stockbroker, war games
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